Six Horrible NJ Trips

June 2, 2017

Six Horrible Trips To Take In New Jersey

 

 

I grew up in New Jersey. Some call it the Garden State. Others call it the Garbage State. Either way, there are definitely interesting things to see and do, such as walking along the Hudson River across from New York City, spending a weekend in Cape May, and seeing a concert at an outdoor amphitheater.

 

But let's just put those things aside and focus on some terrible things which New Jersey has to offer. With no shortage of crime-ridden cities despite its small size, New Jersey can bring you doom and despair in many ways.

 

I think part of NJ's bad reputation is because people often fly into Newark Airport, which is truly awful, unwelcoming, and confusing to get around, into, or out of. The people are generally unfriendly and it has a stink which can only be compared to a deep-colon fart, or DCF. For these reasons, the first step in each of my misadventures is flying into Newark. The second step will be renting a car because driving on these crowded roads is to a good experience what rotten skunk is to a tasty treat. The remaining steps involve assorted miseries and, usually, death.

 

Enjoy!

 

Atlantic City
1. Fly into Newark Airport
2. Rent a car and sit in southbound traffic
3. Do this on a weekend, so your casino/hotel room will be ten times the weekday price
4. Gamble all your money away
5. Walk around the city
6. Get shot and killed

 

Camden
1. Fly into Newark Airport
2. Rent a car and sit in NJ Turnpike traffic
3. Park on any street in the city
4. Get carjacked
5. Get mugged
6. Get shot and killed

 

Jersey Shore
1. Fly into Newark Airport
2. Rent a car and sit in Garden State Parkway traffic
3. Do this on a Summer weekend so it takes five hours to go 100 miles
4. Pay to sit on a crowded beach
5. Play horrible boardwalk games for horrible prizes
6. Drown in a puddle of sunscreen

 

Willowbrook Mall
1. Fly into Newark Airport
2. Rent a car and sit in Route 46 traffic
3. Do this on a Saturday in December
4. Wait hours to get into the mall
5. Circle for hours before finding a parking spot
6. Get beaten to death by an insane couple for simply looking at the new toy they're buying for their child

 

Paterson
1. Fly into Newark Airport
2. Rent a car and sit in Route 21 traffic
3. Park near Paterson Falls and take in all of its mediocrity
4. Your car will not be there when you return
5. Get mugged
6. Get shot and killed

 

Pine Barrens
1. Fly into Newark Airport
2. Rent a car and sit in Route 1 traffic
3. Park anywhere in the Pine Barrens and abandon your car
4. Walk until you see zero civilization
5. Lean on a tree
6. Get eaten by a monster

 

So there you go! Enjoy New Jersey- the last place you'll ever visit!

 

Related side note: Do you think anyone has ever flown into Newark and stayed in the city for vacation without going into New York or knowing anyone nearby? I think not.

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