Literal Pigskin Picks

September 1, 2019

 

For the third straight NFL season, I'm making picks on every game based on the teams' names instead of facts and statistics. It's been a fun experiment.

 

In the first season, my picks ended up in third place out of three, losing to my friend Mike and the average total of ESPN's "experts". Last season, I oddly wound up with the same amount of wins but still lost, this time to my friend Mike, my friend Mark's dad, and ESPN's Trey Wingo. This season will pit me against those three again. Mike is a fan, Wingo is an "expert", and Mark's dad has a mathematical formula for predicting results. We'll see what happens.

 

I hope you at least chuckle from this. Let me know what you think!

 

Wins after 11 weeks:
Trey Wingo- 107
Mike- 104
Mark’s dad- 98
me- 71

 

WEEK 12

 

Colts @ Texans – All Texans have guns and several are ranchers. Colts are raised on ranches and if they get out of line, bang.
Winner: Texans

 

Giants @ Bears – Huge people versus large animals. I think Bears are stealthy enough to take down the biggest of Giants
Winner: Bears

 

Panthers @ Saints – Do Panthers go to Heaven? If so, they’d feast on Saints. Gotta eat, ya know.
Winner: Panthers

 

Broncos @ Bills – According to the Wild And Free-roaming Horses And Burros Act of 1971, Broncos are protected for conservation and research. This law was once a Bill, and though it got passed, horses could easily tear paper apart.
Winner: Broncos

 

Dolphins @ Browns – On land, cardboard would remind intact while a Dolphin would just flail around awkwardly.
Winner: Dolphins

 

Steelers @ Bengals – The age-old battle of Steel against a finely-carved wooden bat wielded by a professional Cricket player from eastern India. If I was going into battle, I’d prefer Steel, so there.
Winner: Steelers

 

Raiders @ Jets – Raiders tend to Raid locally and would not hire a Jet to get them to the Raiding point. If a Jet were to land in one of those local areas, it would likely be successfully Raided.
Winner: Raiders


Lions @ Redskins – As some human prefer well-done meat, some Lions probably enjoy sunburned flesh.
Winner: Lions

 

Buccaneers @ Falcons – If Buccaneers did have parrots on their shoulders, the birds would’ve been easily trounced by the fastest animal in the world. Then the Buccaneers would get revenge. Cannonball revenge.
Winner: Buccaneers

 

Jaguars @ Titans – When the mythological Titans were usurped from power, they were sent to a dark abyss. Jaguars cannot see in the dark. I may have invented that last statement but it’ll hold true in the world of this league.
Winner: Titans

 

Packers @ 49ers – Most middle-aged people Pack for vacation. Many probably overpack because they get confused by foreign weather and such. They should be better at Packing by now.
Winner: Packers

 

Cowboys @ Patriots – Lots of Cowboys are Patriots because they love the country that gave them so much land to tend, but Cowboy versus Cowboy would only result in many torn lassos. I don’t remember where I was going with this one.
Winner: Cowboys

 

Seahawks @ Eagles – Similar in size and strength, these large birds would provide for entertaining combat. But Eagles are bigger.
Winner: Eagles


Ravens @ Rams – A Raven perched on a Ram’s head would probably be very annoying. I imagine the Ram would shake his head violently to remove the bird, which would get angry in return. At that point, the Raven would fly directly at the Ram, whose hard head would cause black feathers to fly all over the place.
Winner: Rams

 

WEEK 11

 

Steelers @ Browns – Cardboard wouldn’t stand a chance against a Steel beam, or Steel in any form, or any kind of beam.
Winner: Steelers

 

Falcons @ Panthers – In cartoons, cats are good at catching birds. Wait, Sylvester was bad at it. I understand him wanting to kill Tweety but why eat him? Pride, maybe. I don’t know. Roar.
Winner: Panthers

 

Cowboys @ Lions – Cows are bigger and heavier than Lions, yet not nearly as fierce. A Lion would easily chew through a lasso then the person who threw it. And the cow? It would just think about having four stomachs and eating its own cud.
Winner: Lions


Jaguars @ Colts – If horse breeding ranches were near rainforests, many Jaguars would have many tasty little horse meals.
Winner: Jaguars

 

Bills @ Dolphins – Dolphins are very graceful in water. Bills would become illegible then disintegrate in water.
Winner: Dolphins

 

Texans @ Ravens – It’s been said that all Texans have guns because all Texans do have guns, but they’re not all sharpshooters. A gaggle of Texans trying to bring down a flying unkindness or Ravens would probably result in more Texans being shot than agile black birds.
Winner: Ravens

 

Broncos @ Vikings – Did Vikings ride horses? I should know this. Probably not though, since Vikings lived in awesome cold mountains and horses like to be pampered with warmth. But could a Viking tame a wild Bronco? Yes.
Winner: Vikings

 

Jets @ Redskins – Many victims of sunburn flew in an airplane to get to the hot location. Some probably took private Jets. But I think that if you can afford a private Jet, you can afford sunscreen.
Winner: Jets


Saints @ Buccaneers – Most (if not all) Buccaneers were not Sainted upon death because they plundered and marauded and did all sorts of other unholy things. And that’s awesome.
Winner: Buccaneers

 

Cardinals @ 49ers – A baby-boomer golfer would likely avoid confrontation with anything, including feisty red birds. But a five-iron would cause much more damage to a Cardinal than it could inflict on a guy wearing ridiculous pants. And there’d be feathers everywhere.
Winner: 49ers

 

Bengals @ Raiders – A bunch of Raiders attacking a Bengali cricket match would be quite the site, and quite the massacre.
Winner: Raiders

 

Patriots @ Eagles – In the United States, the bird most loved by Patriots is an Eagle. But does the bird reciprocate? No. Why would it?
Winner: Eagles

 

Bears @ Rams – Interesting battle. A Bear’s swatting paw is very powerful but Rams have very hard skulls and horns. This is like the unstoppable force versus immovable object thing, except Bears and Rams are real. I’m gonna go with Bears, who could throw Rams off mountains if that’s where they were battling. Thanks for this conversation.
Winner: Bears


Chiefs @ Chargers – Many Chiefs have led many Charges into many villages. But what if those Charging turned against the Chiefs? A victory for experience, that’s what. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Winner: Chiefs

 

WEEK 10

 

Chargers @ Raiders – When Raiders raid, they tend to charge. Chargers cannot raid and that’s unfortunate for them.
Winner: Raiders

 

Ravens @ Bengals – In this league, birds don’t have much luck against bat-wielding Cricket players from Bangladesh.
Winner: Bengals

 

Bills @ Browns – What if a Bill was written on Brown paper? It would not be considered, that’s what. Also, I made that up but it’s probably true.
Winner: Browns

 

Panthers @ Packers – Oh man, these Packers. Large cats would easily shred their faces and their luggage.
Winner: Panthers


Falcons @ Saints – Both can (supposedly) fly, but only one can go over 200 miles per hour.
Winner: Falcons

 

Lions @ Bears – Yes! I always get excited for this match-up until I realize that Bears are much bigger and it would be a pretty lopsided battle.
Winner: Bears

 

Giants @ Jets – Huge people have a difficult time on regular planes, and Jets are even smaller. Plus they might crash if the Giants are too huge.
Winner: Jets

 

Chiefs @ Titans – A group of mythological rulers of Earth would have to choose a leader, right? And that leader might be called their Chief. Chief Titan would probably be fiercer than Chief Chief.
Winner: Titans

 

Cardinals @ Buccaneers – This battle features the competitors with the longest names in the league, and that’s impressive. More amazing would be a pirate sword slicing a small red bird in half.
Winner: Buccaneers

 

Dolphins @ Colts – It would take a while for a young horse to stomp a Dolphin to its doom, but it would happen.
Winner: Colts

 

Rams @ Steelers – I bet a Ram’s head is harder than the average piece of Steel, or even a heavy one held by a burly worker. But could the burly worker swing a huge piece of Steel to combat a Ram’s tough cranium and horns? Nah.
Winner: Rams

 

Vikings @ Cowboys – Know what can cut through a lasso? A battle ax.
Winner: Vikings
 

Seahawks @ 49ers – There are probably a lot of retirement communities along the coast, where shorebirds like to hang out. Maybe they also enjoy attacking middle-aged people.
Winner: Seahawks

 

WEEK 9

 

49ers @ Cardinals – Some people born in ’49 are 69 years old now. Some people who are 49 were born in ’69. Figure that out. Also figure out how small red birds could defeat middle-aged people with decades of experience.
Winner: 49ers

 

Texans @ Jaguars – Large jungle cats could probably take a bullet or two then devour folks from Texas.
Winner: Jaguars

 

Bears @ Eagles – Nice one. They both live in the mountains and that’s awesome. But if an Eagle swooped toward a Bear, it would receive a hefty paw to the beak.
Winner: Bears

 

Colts @ Steelers – Young horses versus Steel workers. This would be a weird battle. But youthful creatures are clumsy and Steel is very hard.
Winner: Steelers

 

Jets @ Dolphins – If a Dolphin was breaching for air when a Jet crashed into the water, the swimming mammal would not have a good day. However, Dolphins are slick and fast and apparently smart so they can swim below danger while crash victims screamed horribly.
Winner: Dolphins

 

Vikings @ Chiefs – Did Vikings have Chiefs? Surely somebody was in charge. And yes, I called you Shirley. But mighty Viking shields could block arrows. Then there are mighty Viking axes. So much violence. Can we all get along?
Winner: Vikings

 

Titans @ Panthers – Mythological beings and fierce cats like leopards and jaguars, which are kind of the same but are called different things based on location and both fall under the umbrella term of Panther, along with cheetahs and tigers and cougars and whatever else. Got it? Good. The Titans were really big and their pets would probably have been larger than any Panther.
Winner: Titans

 

Redskins @ Bills – Snore. People with sunburn would probably want to pass a Bill promoting higher SPF sunscreen, though I read that anything over 50 is redundant. Also, that’d be a weird Bill and would probably not get passed.
Winner: Redskins

 

Buccaneers @ Seahawks – Pirates are often depicted with birds on their shoulders, but Seahawks like ospreys would be way too heavy. Stick with parrots, ya scurvy dog.
Winner: Seahawks

 

Lions @ Raiders – Though fierce themselves, Raiders would get out-fierced by a gaggle of Lions.
Winner: Lions

 

Packers @ Chargers – I wish I’d been keeping track of all the creatures who have harassed our friends who Pack for vacation. Even a weak Charger would at least make them miss their flight.
Winner: Chargers

 

Browns @ Broncos – Many horses- even wild ones- are colored Brown. But that doesn’t make the color scary. Powerful muscles and an unbridled wildness are kind of scary though.
Winner: Broncos

 

Patriots @ Ravens – I hope you watched this week’s video (how else would you have gotten here?) because it was a hoot. Hopefully. I’m writing this before making the video but you’re reading it after. Speaking of time warping, Terminator comes out soon. I’m gonna see it. You? Oh yeah, an unkindness of devilish birds would bring down the truest of Patriots.
Winner: Ravens

 

Cowboys @ Giants – Fact is, Giants are huge. Remember Gulliver’s Travels when the mini-people tied Gulliver up because he was a Giant in their world? Cowboys would do the same, and to the same outcome.
Winner: Giants

 

WEEK 8

 

Redskins @ Vikings - "Oh, you have sunburn? Maybe an AXE TO THE FACE will help."
Winner: Vikings

 

Seahawks @ Falcons - Birds that are not actually actual against birds that are actually the fastest animals on the planet. Zoom.
Winner: Falcons

 

Buccaneers @ Titans - Swashbuckling is a great word.
Winner: Buccaneers

 

Cardinals @ Saints - Both can fly but one is no longer alive.
Winner: Cardinals

 

Bengals @ Rams - A Cricket bat would likely shatter upon being smashed into a Ram's head.
Winner: Rams

 

Jets @ Jaguars - If I boarded a Jet and a gaggle of Jaguars (Jaggle?) was on it, I'd be quite scared. And quite tasty. But that's just me. In the real world, a Jet has much more weight and firmness than a large jungle cat.
Winner: Jets

 

Eagles @ Bills - Both of these could represent this American country of ours, but if there was a Bill that an Eagle didn’t approve of, the bird would tear it to shreddy shreds.
Winner: Eagles

 

Chargers @ Bears - Anything charging at a Bear would receive a quick and ferocious paw to the noggin.
Winner: Bears

 

Giants @ Lions - Don't you wish I had done a video for Week 8, if only for this battle? I probably should have. Oh well. A gaggle of Lions can put up quite a fight but in this case they'd be STOMPED by the… duhhhhh… Giants.
Winner: Giants

 

Raiders @ Texans - Texas is very large so it would be difficult to Raid the entire state. But how long would this battle last? A week, tops.
Winner: Texans

 

Panthers @ 49ers - Big cats would have a feast on 49- or 70-year-olds.
Winner: Panthers

 

Browns @ Patriots - The colors of Patriots don't run but Brown isn't a color of any Patriot, except those from Sri Lanka and probably other countries. Good.
Winner: Patriots

 

Broncos @ Colts - Ooooh, fun! Horses everywhere. Broncos are wild and I think Colts are castrated. Mating rights versus boredom.
Winner: Broncos

 

Packers @ Chiefs - Maybe our Packers are packing for vacation on a reservation, so they'd actually get to their destination this time. They'd also get an arrow to the stomach, and you should pronounced the 'ch' at the end of that word when you read this again.
Winner: Chiefs

 

Dolphins @ Steelers - Out of water, Dolphins would easily perish via Steel to the blowhole.
Winner: Steelers

 

WEEK 7

 

Chiefs @ Broncos - Throughout the years, many Chiefs have probably tamed many more wild horses.
Winner: Chiefs

 

Dolphins @ Bills - I thought the actual Dolphins being home or away would make my picks easier but the identity of a Bill is still unknown. Dolphins breathe air so they'd probably be fine on land for long enough to destroy a law proposal.
Winner: Dolphins

 

Jaguars @ Bengals - A Cricket bat could effectively fend off a large cat but only if it was wielded by burly Bengali.
Winner: Jaguars

 

Vikings @ Lions - This NFL division is great for my pretend league and this actual battle would be fantastic. But who would win- a pride of Lions or a gaggle of Vikings? Hunting Lions have great coordination and teamwork but Vikings are at least pretty good in those departments AND have sharp weapons. (I enjoy Vikings, if you've not noticed.)
Winner: Vikings

 

Raiders @ Packers - These poor Packers keep getting interrupted by vicious creatures while filling their luggage before a big trip. A gaggle of Raiders would not only destroy the Packers but they'd also plunder the bags and use them for their own big trips.
Winner: Raiders

 

Rams @ Falcons - A Falcon speedily diving at a Ram would result in bird feathers everywhere and the ovine creature getting a headache.
Winner: Rams

 

Texans @ Colts - Young horses would be terrified of gun bangs and since all Texans carry guns there's your answer.
Winner: Texans

 

49ers @ Redskins - People who are 49 and/or were born in '49 are probably wise enough to not get sunburn most of the time. Redskins, well, you know by now…
Winner: 49ers

 

Cardinals @ Giants - A Giant could stretch and smash several small red birds without even noticing.
Winner: Giants

 

Chargers @ Titans - Even in mythology, large deities could fight off charging Chargers.
Winner: Titans

 

Saints @ Bears - Easy one.

Winner: Bears

 

Ravens @ Seahawks - Ravens are bigger than crows and can be quite fierce. Seahawks such as ospreys are bigger than Ravens and can be quite fiercer.
Winner: Seahawks

 

Eagles @ Cowboys - Rootin' tootin' lassoes could wrap around talons but those claws could tear rope apart. Hmm. Eagles probably have more endurance. Whatever.
Winner: Eagles

 

Patriots @ Jets - Patriots would prefer to fly on large American Airlines planes. Jets are private and small. I think I can finally pick against the Jets and that's convenient because apparently the actual Patriots are much better.
Winner: Patriots

 

 

WEEK 6

 

Giants @ Patriots - Very big people would crush regular people, no matter how much they adore their country.
Winner: Giants

 

Panthers @ Buccaneers - Both of these creatures hang out in the tropics. A Panther could sneak onto a Buccaneer ship but it would probably be keelhauled.
Winner: Buccaneers

 

Redskins @ Dolphins - To ease their sunburn, some Redskins might wander into the ocean. They'd largely be unable to swim well or move without pain, so a gaggle of Dolphins would have a Dolphin field day by ramming and generally destroying them.
Winner: Dolphins

 

Eagles @ Vikings - I was gonna make up that Vikings tamed Eagles but that's probably not true. However, they could have, and if the birds misbehaved they'd get a swift axe to the beak.
Winner: Vikings

 

Texans @ Chiefs - Chiefs used to govern most of Texas until Texans moved in. they may have guns but Chiefs have rage, which I think always wins.
Winner: Chiefs

 

Saints @ Jaguars - In my "league", the Saints won't be predicted to win much, especially against large jungle cats.
Winner: Jaguars

 

Seahawks @ Browns - It's not that Seahawks don't exist but it's more of a general term for vicious shorebirds, such as ospreys and condors. And Brown is still a color.
Winner: Seahawks

 

Bengals @ Ravens - A Cricket bar swung by a Bengali would result in much Raven blood and feathers flying around.
Winner: Bengals

 

49ers @ Rams - I still haven't decided whether 49ers are people who are currently 49 years old or were born in 1949. Either way, Rams have huge horns and superior headbutting skills.
Winner: Rams

 

Falcons @ Cardinals - Cardinals are feisty but small. Falcons are bigger and much faster and have been known to eat other birds. Awesome.
Winner: Falcons

 

Cowboys @ Jets - Sure, a Cowboy could lasso a Jet, but once that plane takes off? High-flying ranch hand.
Winner: Jets
 

Titans @ Broncos - Irish band U2 once posed the question, "Who's gonna ride your wild horses?" The Titans will.
Winner: Titans

 

Steelers @ Chargers - Did you ever Charge into Steel? If so, you probably wouldn't be reading this.
Winner: Steelers

 

Lions @ Packers - Our Packers are having terrible luck getting ready for their trip. They've been attacked by Vikings and Eagles and Bears. Oh my. And now there are Lions in the bedroom. Does everyone pack for trips in the bedroom? Whatever.
Winner: Lions

 

 

WEEK 5

 

Rams @ Seahawks - I often wonder about the impact between the heads of a diving shorebird and a male sheep. Feathers and wool everywhere. But horns would prevail
Winner: Rams

 

Jaguars @ Panthers - Another good one! Last year we found out that Jaguars are slightly bigger and more ferocious than leopards, which is the more-specific name for Panthers. Plus Jaguars destroy caimans, which is probably quite difficult.
Winner: Jaguars

 

Patriots @ Redskins - This battle features people who have great pride in their country against people with bad sunburn. Pride > Pain.
Winner: Patriots

 

Bills @ Titans - I may never have an idea of what a Bill is, but it's real. Titans are mythological. Many things are make-believe so let's stick with that.
Winner: Titans

 

Ravens @ Steelers - A funny fact I found is that the Common Raven is uncommon in Pennsylvania. But that's irrelevant. Steel wielded by a skilled worker could easily crush birds which only weigh a few pounds, even though a group of them is called an unkindness.
Winner: Steelers

 

Cardinals @ Bengals - Cardinals fly in the air. Bengals swing Cricket bats in the air. If the two met, red feathers and bird blood would abound.
Winner: Bengals

 

Falcons @ Texans - When guns were invented, the intention was to kill people. They're still used to kill people and sometimes birds as well. But only a sharpshooter could pick off the fastest animal in the world which can also soar all over the place and has sharp talons.
Winner: Falcons

 

Buccaneers @ Saints - I don't know that pirates and holy people had much contact but the former must've destroyed at least a few of the latter.
Winner: Buccaneers

 

Vikings @ Giants - This is a great battle. Vikings could surely take down a few Giants but many? The Vikings would run out of berserkers so sadly I'll have to pick against them.
Winner: Giants


Bears @ Raiders - Raiders could certainly raid a Bears' den but they wouldn't find much booty inside. Then they'd get eaten.
Winner: Bears

 

Jets @ Eagles - Eagles could bring down a Jet by flying into its engine but the birds would perish while the plane would simply require some repairs.
Winner: Jets


Broncos @ Chargers - Broncos probably charge, right? So do Chargers, by definition. But what exactly is the Charger that's doing the charging? Whatever it may be, it's likely weaker than a horse.
Winner: Broncos

 

Packers @ Cowboys - Imagine you're packing for vacation when a gaggle of Cowboys enters to lasso you, your luggage, and your family. Trip ruined.
Winner: Cowboys

 

Colts @ Chiefs - Chiefs have been known to tame horses of all sizes. Small ones are probably easier than larger ones.
Winner: Chiefs

 

Browns @ 49ers - Something that's brown versus a 49-year-old. People that age can still shred and destroy. Probably.
Winner: 49ers

 

 

WEEK 4

 

Eagles @ Packers - If I was packing for a trip and a gaggle of Eagles (there's a pun for that somewhere) tore my clothes to bits, I'd be furious. And defeated.
Winner: Eagles

 

Redskins @ Giants - Sunburn is no match for huge people.
Winner: Giants

 

Chiefs @ Lions - Historically (and perhaps hysterically) a group of Chiefs has probably had to defend their village against Lions. Those Chiefs are probably no longer around.
Winner: Lions

 

Titans @ Falcons - Mythological ex-rulers of Earth take on the fastest animals on that very same Earth. Ex-rulers are probably angry and I think they "were" very big. But how's their eyesight? I couldn't find that in the tales and perhaps this is a staring contest from a great distance so there you go.
Winner: Falcons

 

Browns @ Ravens - A hurried and inadequate search told me that Ravens often build their nests from branches, which are commonly Brown. Building a nest isn't necessarily tough but being a color is definitely not.
Winner: Ravens

 

Raiders @ Colts - Young horses would easily get tamed by wild ­marauders. (Note- I just wanted to use the word marauders without fully knowing its definition. Turns out it's a synonym for raiders. Boom.)
Winner: Raiders

 

Patriots @ Bills - You have to love your country to pass a Bill for it, right? Wrong.
Winner: Patriots

 

Panthers @ Texans - Texans have guns mostly to defend against large jungle cats, which live very far from Texas and would be tired once they arrived.
Winner: Texans

 

Chargers @ Dolphins - As I said last week, the Dolphins shall do battle on land or in the water, according to where the "real" team is playing. Had I started this at the beginning of the season, they'd go 8-8. Probably. Whatever. But water would slow down any sort of Charger.
Winner: Dolphins

 

Buccaneers @ Rams - Imagine a Ram running loose on a Buccaneer ship. It would break the wood and be hilarious to outsiders but would eventually get thrown overboard and possibly keelhauled.
Winner: Buccaneers

 

Seahawks @ Cardinals - The fictional 'Seahawk' was modeled after the mighty osprey, which would easily defeat a little ornery red bird. So what's my point? That fact always beats fiction.
Winner: Cardinals

 

Vikings @ Bears - Both big and fierce and furry, this is my favorite battle of the season. And it happens twice! Weapons and cunning shall defeat claws and power, though there will be many casualties. (For a nice language lesson, 'casualty' can refer to a death OR an injury.)
Winner: Vikings
 

Jaguars @ Broncos - Wild animals being wild and wildly wild! Jaguars could take down one or two large horses, but not a group of them, which can be referred to as a mob.
Winner: Broncos

 

Cowboys @ Saints - Yee-haw! Lassoes and haloes have the same shape, though lassoes can bring in ­doggies while haloes just kind of float above a Saint's head.
Winner: Cowboys


Bengals @ Steelers - In my first season of doing this, I referred to Bengals as tigers. But last year they were people from Bangladesh who loved to play Cricket. So what are they!? I should probably go with people from Bangladesh and eastern India. Cricket bats are wooden. Steel is steelen. Alright.
Winner: Steelers

 

WEEK 3

 

Titans @ Jaguars - Huge mythological beings versus fierce jungle cats. Gotta go with the actual creatures.
Winner: Jaguars

 

Dolphins @ Cowboys - See, the Dolphins mess everything up because how they would do depends on the location of the battle. From now on, I'll include the site, but only for them. Basically, they'll probably win in water and lose on land. This week they're on land. A flailing aquatic mammal would be no match for a rancher with tools.
Winner: Cowboys

 

Bengals @ Bills - Still no idea what a Bill is. A large cat would shred a guy named Bill or a piece of paper. Good.
Winner: Bengals

 

Lions @ Eagles - Eagles would do some damage to Lions but ultimately the large felines would prevail.
Winner: Lions

 

Jets @ Patriots - People who really love their country could get into a Jet, but that Jet could crash and destroy them all.
Winner: Jets


Falcons @ Colts - I think an experienced Falcon could defeat a young, clueless horse.
Winner: Falcons

 

Raiders @ Vikings - Phew, tough one. They both fancy raiding but Vikings have huge beards and are tall.
Winner: Vikings

 

Ravens @ Chiefs - Chiefs are warriors and Ravens just knock at my chamber door.
Winner: Chiefs

 

Broncos @ Packers - These folks who are packing for a trip are having a rough time. First, Bears disrupted, then Vikings invaded, and now wild horses come in and destroy everything.
Winner: Broncos

 

Panthers @ Cardinals - Cats catch birds, or so cartoon have taught me.
Winner: Panthers

 

Giants @ Buccaneers - Pirates have (probably) had many historic upsets but could cannons defeat huge people? Yeah.
Winner: Buccaneers

 

Saints @ Seahawks - Dead nice people against birds that don't actually exist. Score one for the dead.
Winner: Saints

 

Texans @ Chargers - Last year, I named Chargers people who use credit cards. This year, I don't know what they are. But they charge and eventually they'll get through the hail of bullets shot by the Texans, who all own and carry guns all the time.
Winner: Chargers

 

Steelers @ 49ers - A steel rod wielded by some kind of smith would smash the head of someone who was 49 or especially was born in '49.
Winner: Steelers

 

Rams @ Browns - Colors stand no chance against violent headbutts.
Winner: Rams

 

WEEK 2

 

Buccaneers @ Panthers - Arrrr, Panthers just be cats.
Winner: Buccaneers

 

Cardinals @ Ravens - Little feisty birds versus big nasty ones who eat ants and a group of them is called an unkindness.
Winner: Ravens

 

Chargers @ Lions - Lions are just cats too but they have huge claws which are perfect for shredding people who use credit cards.
Winner: Lions

 

Colts @ Titans - Small horses against large mythological beings.
Winner: Titans

 

49ers @ Bengals - More cats!? Or are Bengals people from Bangladesh who love to play cricket? Either way, folks who are almost 50 tend to not be very ferocious.
Winner: Bengals

 

Jaguars @ Texans - Another kind of cat. This is insane, but not as insane as people who love guns more than personal safety.
Winner: Texans

 

Vikings @ Packers - Imagine this: You're packing for a big trip and a horde of Vikings comes in and chops your face apart. Have a nice trip.
Winner: Vikings

 

Cowboys @ Redskins - Cowboys can lasso. People with sunburn can only complain.
Winner: Cowboys

 

Seahawks @ Steelers - Did I mention that Seahawks are not actual birds? This is the second week and I've already forgotten things. But people who work with steel could forge weapons to destroy the fake birds.
Winner: Steelers

 

Bills @ Giants - Last week, I tried to figure out what a Bill is. I didn't try very hard. Also, Giants are very big.
Winner: Giants

 

Patriots @ Dolphins - Are Dolphins patriotic? Do they love the sea? (This blog asks the important questions.) They're definitely bigger and faster, so there. Their.
Winner: Dolphins

 

Chiefs @ Raiders - Tribal leaders would have more organized attacks, no? Yes.
Winner: Chiefs

 

Saints @ Rams - Hard-headed animals. Holy dead people. The Saints will not fare well during my season of this.
Winner: Rams

 

Bears @ Broncos - Oh nice. Strength vs. speed. Which one wins? Speed, I think. But Bears are hungry for meat. Broncos are hungry for hay. Gay Broncos are hungry for haaaaaaaaaaay.
Winner: Bears

 

Eagles @ Falcons - This match-up is an excellent example of why I started making these picks. Falcons are the fastest animals in the world but Eagles are pretty fast and much bigger.
Winner: Eagles

 

Browns @ Jets - Jets are large machines. Browns are colors.
Winner: Jets
 

WEEK 1

 

Packers @ Bears - A bear would defeat almost anything, especially someone preparing for vacation.
Winner: Bears

 

Chiefs @ Jaguars - Many Central and South American tribes worship Jaguars.
Winner: Jaguars

 

Falcons @ Vikings - Vikings are huge warriors with destructive weapons. Falcons are birds.
Winner: Vikings

 

Titans @ Browns - Hugh mythological creatures would easily destroy whatever a Brown is.
Winner: Titans

 

Bills @ Jets - What is a Bill, exactly? Is it just a guy named Bill? A written proposal for a legal law? An American dollar!? Regardless, it would be no match for a several-ton machine that can fly.
Winner: Jets


Ravens @ Dolphins - A Dolphin would smash a Raven with its tail, on land or sea.
Winner: Dolphins

 

Redskins @ Eagles - People with sunburn would make easy prey for keen-eyed raptors.
Winner: Eagles

 

Rams @ Panthers - Oh, this is a nice one. Rams are very tough but Panthers are carnivorous predators even though there's no specific animal that's actually called a Panther.
Winner: Panthers

 

Colts @ Chargers - I'm not sure what a Charger is but it's probably quite good at charging, which would be too much for a young horse to handle.
Winner: Chargers

 

Bengals @ Seahawks - Like how Panthers are not real animals, neither are Seahawks. Regardless, Bengals have really sharp claws.
Winner: Bengals

 

Giants @ Cowboys - Giants would smush Cowboys.
Winner: Giants

 

49ers @ Buccaneers - Pirates are not afraid of the number 49, nor the people who enjoy it.
Winner: Buccaneers

 

Lions @ Cardinals - Cardinals are small. Lions are big.
Winner: Lions

 

Steelers @ Patriots - People who have passion for their country will people who work with steel for a living.
Winner: Patriots


Texans @ Saints - Texans carry guns which would certainly whoop spirits of dead good people.
Winner: Texans


Broncos @ Raiders - Wild animals vs. wild people. Animals have strength but people have coordination, and that would prove victorious.
Winner: Raiders

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